http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g05OlRa0vzE
I don’t really have anything to say, other than how much I love the concept of Furiously Happy. It’s being free, and bold, and keeping the laughter and music the most important things, so that all the bullshit in the world doesn’t get you down. I’ve never actually spoken to Jenny Lawson, but when she first posted in her blog (thebloggess.com) about Furiously Happy, I linked in the comments to a video I’d taken to watching when I felt bad, and the next Weekly Wrap-up, she posted it with the caption “Furiously Happy in video form” and it just reaffirmed how much I related to the concept.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Sunday, July 31, 2011
It is the most frustrating thing
to be supremely restless and just want to MAKE something or do something creative and not be able to harness and focus that energy so you're just kind of running around poking at shit and getting frustrated.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
I'm not sure what's happening.
I don't have any idea who knows what about the situation. I don't know what's happening right now. I don't even know that there is any place I don't have to be on eggshells and watch every word. What do I do here? I'm sick of crying. I know I made a big mistake. I'm not a bad person. I never tried to make anyone sound bad, I talked about things that were going on, if it got skewed by personal views or taken out of context, I guess it would sound really bad, (trying to explain that one was trying to convince me to stay and hearing "so he's stalking you?" in return and having to kill that idea fast comes to mind), but I never played up bad things, I tried not to talk about people at all. I stopped discussing any issue with one person because she took great joy in twisting words and over-reacting, all the while telling me all the things her SO had done that she made sound so awful, and if she's to be believed were worse than anything that happened to me, but she "didn't approve" and thought i was an idiot, while hers is "perfect". Actually, the things I remember her getting upset over where just when something stupid was said in anger and she refused to accept that we'd talked it over, and then something that someone else told her, about his behavior with an ex and/or female friend, that was mostly harmless if annoying. Just her involvement at all is bullshit, but thats not the point, basically just anyone who doesn't bother to actually find out and listen to both sides of a story commenting bugs me.
I have been more than willing to accept the things I did. Flirting for that couple of weeks after we got together and i was still so fucking scared and unsure of everything was fucked up, I should have just said I needed time, but i worried asking for time would end up with him leaving for good, or more accurately that i'd chicken out completely, which is a stupid reason, and no excuse. Then there was the worst mistake. I was too drunk, and should have just gone to bed and stuck to the avoidance tactic I'd tried for most of the weekend, but I wandered up to where I knew people were instead, and it was a blur of being unsure where to go, and crying, and then sitting, and then the mistake. I don't know what my thought process was. I wish I did. I wish I could say "I was upset about X" or "Well its no different from what you did except for the history there and that you were in the same building" but those are both bullshit, fucked up things to say. I wish I could blame it on anything. God, I even remember him saying something about "you would start this when I'm too drunk" and either saying or thinking "sorry, i wasn't trying to start anything" and then somehow in the next twenty minutes it's like my brain just shut off. I have no idea how it happened, and feel badly for how i acted after. He kept trying to lean on me, or put his arm around me, and I'd jerk away, or fidget, and every time he tried to make a remark I'd roll my eyes. I was freaked out and ashamed and took it out on him, and I feel badly for that. None of it should have happened. Even later when I was reading his conversation and saw the bit about "keeping it at less than an ideal level for her sanity" i was immediately so angry because that makes it sound like he was still treating it like a relationship and I told him repeatedly "Find someone else, and as soon as you do, let me know, and I'll leave you alone, this is not a relationship." Even now, when I feel like his reasons for being upset with me are kind of BS, I have no desire to fix things, because A. it would fuck up what I DO want to fix, more than anything, and B. i feel like it would kill what he's got going with another girl, and I do NOT want to get in the way of that.
And as for what I do want to fix, What do I do in the mean time? We're at least talking again, which makes me so fucking happy. I'm trying really hard to not over do it right now, even though there are ten thousand things I want to tell him, mostly because we're so much alike and in florida every ten steps it was "THAT THING IS SO AWESOME.... He would also think that thing is so awesome." He's said repeatedly he didn't think he'd be able to be in a relationship with me and if so it would be a really really long time from now. What do I do in the meantime? Am I supposed to sit home and pine? Am I risking fucking things up again by flirting with anyone? If this is the case I just wish I knew, I just don't want to wait forever to find out that I should have been moving on, but I don't want to move on when if I had just waited. I've done the whole "attempt to move on too soon" thing and ended up causing a ton of problems, but I didn't know, I had no idea. I don't want to be in that situation again.
And why do I feel like I'm being checked up on and kept track of while I don't get to know anything that isn't practically handed to me? Vague references to things I didn't know were being read, it just irritates me, it's like being "tested" all over again and while I smiled to know curiosity is still there, just SAY THINGS to me, that was the entire problem, neither of us could just SAY shit.
God, even now, when I want to be upset, I'm relating some stupid thing he used to do and grinning ear to ear, because I love him. I'll never stop loving him. I'd like to say I won't wait again, but I know I will, at least for a while. I joke about attempts to talk to book store girl, (who I will never actually talk too, probably) and comment that the guy who works the comic store was saying how I should come by and could have the star trek cards he found, (I suspect he's married, or maybe am just using that as my excuse to not go by the store), but I'm waiting. I just need to know if he's trying to move on, and planning on trying to date around or anything, or if he wants to fix this but it'll just take time. Even if I did move on, and try a few dates here and there, I probably would drop everything if he wanted to try again. Whether that's a good idea or not, I have no idea. I just don't want to mess up anymore.
I have been more than willing to accept the things I did. Flirting for that couple of weeks after we got together and i was still so fucking scared and unsure of everything was fucked up, I should have just said I needed time, but i worried asking for time would end up with him leaving for good, or more accurately that i'd chicken out completely, which is a stupid reason, and no excuse. Then there was the worst mistake. I was too drunk, and should have just gone to bed and stuck to the avoidance tactic I'd tried for most of the weekend, but I wandered up to where I knew people were instead, and it was a blur of being unsure where to go, and crying, and then sitting, and then the mistake. I don't know what my thought process was. I wish I did. I wish I could say "I was upset about X" or "Well its no different from what you did except for the history there and that you were in the same building" but those are both bullshit, fucked up things to say. I wish I could blame it on anything. God, I even remember him saying something about "you would start this when I'm too drunk" and either saying or thinking "sorry, i wasn't trying to start anything" and then somehow in the next twenty minutes it's like my brain just shut off. I have no idea how it happened, and feel badly for how i acted after. He kept trying to lean on me, or put his arm around me, and I'd jerk away, or fidget, and every time he tried to make a remark I'd roll my eyes. I was freaked out and ashamed and took it out on him, and I feel badly for that. None of it should have happened. Even later when I was reading his conversation and saw the bit about "keeping it at less than an ideal level for her sanity" i was immediately so angry because that makes it sound like he was still treating it like a relationship and I told him repeatedly "Find someone else, and as soon as you do, let me know, and I'll leave you alone, this is not a relationship." Even now, when I feel like his reasons for being upset with me are kind of BS, I have no desire to fix things, because A. it would fuck up what I DO want to fix, more than anything, and B. i feel like it would kill what he's got going with another girl, and I do NOT want to get in the way of that.
And as for what I do want to fix, What do I do in the mean time? We're at least talking again, which makes me so fucking happy. I'm trying really hard to not over do it right now, even though there are ten thousand things I want to tell him, mostly because we're so much alike and in florida every ten steps it was "THAT THING IS SO AWESOME.... He would also think that thing is so awesome." He's said repeatedly he didn't think he'd be able to be in a relationship with me and if so it would be a really really long time from now. What do I do in the meantime? Am I supposed to sit home and pine? Am I risking fucking things up again by flirting with anyone? If this is the case I just wish I knew, I just don't want to wait forever to find out that I should have been moving on, but I don't want to move on when if I had just waited. I've done the whole "attempt to move on too soon" thing and ended up causing a ton of problems, but I didn't know, I had no idea. I don't want to be in that situation again.
And why do I feel like I'm being checked up on and kept track of while I don't get to know anything that isn't practically handed to me? Vague references to things I didn't know were being read, it just irritates me, it's like being "tested" all over again and while I smiled to know curiosity is still there, just SAY THINGS to me, that was the entire problem, neither of us could just SAY shit.
God, even now, when I want to be upset, I'm relating some stupid thing he used to do and grinning ear to ear, because I love him. I'll never stop loving him. I'd like to say I won't wait again, but I know I will, at least for a while. I joke about attempts to talk to book store girl, (who I will never actually talk too, probably) and comment that the guy who works the comic store was saying how I should come by and could have the star trek cards he found, (I suspect he's married, or maybe am just using that as my excuse to not go by the store), but I'm waiting. I just need to know if he's trying to move on, and planning on trying to date around or anything, or if he wants to fix this but it'll just take time. Even if I did move on, and try a few dates here and there, I probably would drop everything if he wanted to try again. Whether that's a good idea or not, I have no idea. I just don't want to mess up anymore.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Getting my shit together.
I've been doing a lot of looking into how to handle anxiety, mostly because I'd like to be able to breathe normally again at some point. One of the suggestions was to keep an anxiety journal, chronicling what makes you anxious, how exactly it makes you feel, why it makes you anxious, and the like. This, actually sounds like a great idea. Having a better idea of what it is that triggers my issues is the way to fix them.
Currently I am anxious about losing in one fell swoop three different relationships. One was a girl who apparently didn't like something I did, and without bothering to discuss it at all just deleted me from everything. That actually is more of a "whatever, if you're going to be like that after I was always there for you..." and I haven't even attempted to confront her, so that's more annoying than anxiety inducing. One was a boy who I'm not entirely sure how I feel about, I swore for a long time it was only physical attraction and friendship, no romantic feelings. I still highly doubt any romantic feelings, but he was sweet to me, and non-threatening, in that I knew he doted on me, and it seemed like no one else even caught his eye, and that felt safe. I was, however, very put off by how overly affectionate he could be. I guess he was only as affectionate as the normal person, but with my issues, I resisted. Mostly I'm angry about this one, because I felt like I was always pretty straight up, and the fact that he never cared about who else was potentially hurt so long as he was having his fun, and was just a big a part of my mistakes as i was, but gets to be BFFs and make jokes and such and it doesn't feel fair. Most of the anxiety over this one is anger and confusion, because I couldn't understand why he was doing it, or why it bothered me as much as it did that he was also suddenly pursuing another girl, which i think is just I feel so easily replaced and jealousy that he gets to just move on and be happy and fine while I'm miserable. The last is a boy that I have terrifyingly strong feelings for. He has gotten further past my defenses than anyone. I tried, for a few months, to not let my insecurities get in the way, but we broke up anyways, because I was so afraid of him leaving that I wouldn't say anything about things that bothered me, and I admittedly held onto things that bothered me, even after an apology, and just stress on both ends and the distance. The anxiety over this, is that I was so terrified of my feelings for him that i tried to justify them away, and did something supremely stupid, and ended up ruining everything only to realize that losing him was even worse than the feelings i had.
The first anxiety just feels like annoyance and an eye roll and is pretty easily shrugged off, not even really anxiety. The second feels like a clenched jaw, a flare of temper, a twist in my stomach and the desire to break something, and cry. The last feels like being punched in the stomach so all the air is leaving me, crying, just wanting to lay down and be swallowed up by the floor because its sheer misery and my chest squeezes and i have to force myself to breathe.
The other thing I'm anxious about is having been expelled from VCU. I have no idea what i'm going to do and am at such a loss. This just leads to sweaty hands and my mind racing with ten thousand potential ways to fix it, none of which are in any way logical.
All I can do right now, is ask my doctor about zoloft, try to avoid the first two people, and see what i can do about the third, which i fear is nothing. I also plan on getting back into some kind of exercise, forcing myself to leave the house more, and am going to keep this updated with my panic attacks and such.
Currently I am anxious about losing in one fell swoop three different relationships. One was a girl who apparently didn't like something I did, and without bothering to discuss it at all just deleted me from everything. That actually is more of a "whatever, if you're going to be like that after I was always there for you..." and I haven't even attempted to confront her, so that's more annoying than anxiety inducing. One was a boy who I'm not entirely sure how I feel about, I swore for a long time it was only physical attraction and friendship, no romantic feelings. I still highly doubt any romantic feelings, but he was sweet to me, and non-threatening, in that I knew he doted on me, and it seemed like no one else even caught his eye, and that felt safe. I was, however, very put off by how overly affectionate he could be. I guess he was only as affectionate as the normal person, but with my issues, I resisted. Mostly I'm angry about this one, because I felt like I was always pretty straight up, and the fact that he never cared about who else was potentially hurt so long as he was having his fun, and was just a big a part of my mistakes as i was, but gets to be BFFs and make jokes and such and it doesn't feel fair. Most of the anxiety over this one is anger and confusion, because I couldn't understand why he was doing it, or why it bothered me as much as it did that he was also suddenly pursuing another girl, which i think is just I feel so easily replaced and jealousy that he gets to just move on and be happy and fine while I'm miserable. The last is a boy that I have terrifyingly strong feelings for. He has gotten further past my defenses than anyone. I tried, for a few months, to not let my insecurities get in the way, but we broke up anyways, because I was so afraid of him leaving that I wouldn't say anything about things that bothered me, and I admittedly held onto things that bothered me, even after an apology, and just stress on both ends and the distance. The anxiety over this, is that I was so terrified of my feelings for him that i tried to justify them away, and did something supremely stupid, and ended up ruining everything only to realize that losing him was even worse than the feelings i had.
The first anxiety just feels like annoyance and an eye roll and is pretty easily shrugged off, not even really anxiety. The second feels like a clenched jaw, a flare of temper, a twist in my stomach and the desire to break something, and cry. The last feels like being punched in the stomach so all the air is leaving me, crying, just wanting to lay down and be swallowed up by the floor because its sheer misery and my chest squeezes and i have to force myself to breathe.
The other thing I'm anxious about is having been expelled from VCU. I have no idea what i'm going to do and am at such a loss. This just leads to sweaty hands and my mind racing with ten thousand potential ways to fix it, none of which are in any way logical.
All I can do right now, is ask my doctor about zoloft, try to avoid the first two people, and see what i can do about the third, which i fear is nothing. I also plan on getting back into some kind of exercise, forcing myself to leave the house more, and am going to keep this updated with my panic attacks and such.
Monday, April 18, 2011
This is long but I need to share: Goals to raise happiness levels.
I. Be Neater
A. Reduce Clutter
1. Get rid of unneeded things.
2. Arrange things efficiently.
3. Organize what's left.
B. Follow the One Minute Rule (Never put off what can be done in one minute or less)
1. Wash any dish as soon as done with it.
2. Throw trash away
3. Put things back.
C. Think "Do I need this?"
1. Will it be used any time soon? Can it be stored?
2. How often do I use it?
3. Does it take up a lot of space I could use otherwise?
II. Be Positive
A. Cut out jealousy
1. Jokes are jokes. Take them as such.
2. Trust freely and take people at their word until given a REAL reason not too.
3. Golden Rule it. Do I do the things that bother me when other people do them? If so, Do I want to stop doing them, or forgive it in other people?
B. Complain less.
1. Write it down. Does it really need discussing or is that enough?
2. Put it in perspective. Is it really such a problem, or are you just grumpy?
3. Make a change. If it really is a problem, do your best to fix it.
C. Find the Silver Lining.
1. It could ALWAYS be worse.
2. What opportunities does this open up?
3. Does it take a stress away? (IE "at least its over" or "him taking over is annoying, but it means I won't be stuck with all of the work this time.)
III. Communicate effectively.
A. Call more.
1. Is it a long story, a full discussion, or you're just both free? Call.
2. Want someone to go somewhere? Call, they don't always here texts.
3. Check on Granny more.
B. State problems.
1. Write it out first.
2. Why is it a problem? Is it really what you think, or something else?
3. If for some reason you can absolutely not call about it, E-mail, so you can edit and be clear and know you're point rather than rambling. No texting about issues.
C. Stop snapping/getting defensive.
1. If it sounds bad, ask for clarification of meaning first.
2. Deep breath before you answer.
3. If necessary, politely excuse yourself to calm down before coming back to calmly discuss it.
D. Be a better listener.
1. Ask questions more, not everyone just talks like you.
2. Avoid distractions.
3. Don't bogart the conversation by telling story after story, one story at a time, then its not your turn anymore.
IV. Save Money
A. Budget in savings.
1. pick an amount, stick to it.
2. Have a reason to save.
3. Except for absolute emergencies DO NOT TOUCH SAVINGS.
B. Cash Jar
1. All change goes in jar
2. At the end of two weeks, all cash goes in the jar.
3. Jar gets full, deposit it into savings.
C. Be careful about Gifts.
1. Only give "no reason" gifts if you have more than 50 dollars free in your budget.
2. Try to limit "no reason" gift giving to one per pay period.
3. Set limits for special occasions, and REMEMBER TO BUDGET FOR THEM.
D. Make smarter purchases.
1. Is it an item you KNOW you have use for?
2. If it's an activity, is it worth the price you pay? (IE, 2 dollars for batting cages, yes; 20 dollars for dinky stuffed toy in arcade, no)
3. Any item, does the price match the value? You are allowed to pay more for higher quality. Cheaper items may wear out quicker and so end up more costly in the long run.
V. Be healthier.
A. Exercies
1. Zumba
2. Play outside with Jackson, he needs it too.
3. Try for at least 20 minutes of activity at least 3 times a week, preferably more.
B. Eat better
1. Add more variety, salads and soups and such instead of always the same few things.
2. More nutrition. Yes, you do want a vegetable, meat and bread is not fine.
3. More full meals, less snacking, try for a regular eating schedule.
C. Sleep better
1. Lights out and comp off at 2 am.
2. NO NAPPING, it throws your schedule off terribly.
3. Once its off, it stays off. You do not need to know what time it is at 3 am. It's time to be asleep.
VI. Be social.
A. Go out.
1. Find places to go you haven't been before
2. Try for a social outing at least once a week, even if its just to someones house.
3. Take yourself places.
B. Meet New People.
1. Join a club or a class.
2. Talk to anyone who seems interesting, stranger or no.
3. Use internet to your advantage to find meet ups.
C. Don't always be attached to something electronic.
1. If you're eating dinner with people or playing a game, the phone can be put away for a while.
2. Before getting on the computer on a weekend, call someone FIRST.
3. AV Chat is not a social life. It is the last resort after going out fails.
D. Be less judgemental/finicky.
1. Like someone until they give you a good reason not too, instead of disliking them right away over something silly.
2. Look for the good in people. (IE "He might not be the best group worker but he's really passionate about art and his photography and I like that.")
3. Avoid nitpicking. If someone is fine in every other way but has one annoying habit, ignore that habit, you can be pretty obnoxious too sometimes.
VII. Getting shit DONE.
A. Do it As Soon As Possible and As Well As Possible.
1. Don't procrastinate. Start plenty in advance.
2. Don't rush through it just to be done with it. Take your time
3. Keep track of deadlines. The "It's not due until, oh shit, tomorrow"s will kill you.
B. Have a Plan.
1. Break it down into sections, what's most important? What do you need to do first?
2. Know the project, and ask for clarification on anything you don't understand.
3. Write the plan down and STICK TO IT.
C. FOCUS.
1. While working, stay out of chat, turn of IMs if need be.
2. Do it where and when interruptions are unlikely.
3. allow for REASONABLE breaks. A half hour to an hour because you've been working a while and your brain is trying to quit is reasonable. Two or more hours because you want to play a game or watch a movie you've seen before is not.
A. Reduce Clutter
1. Get rid of unneeded things.
2. Arrange things efficiently.
3. Organize what's left.
B. Follow the One Minute Rule (Never put off what can be done in one minute or less)
1. Wash any dish as soon as done with it.
2. Throw trash away
3. Put things back.
C. Think "Do I need this?"
1. Will it be used any time soon? Can it be stored?
2. How often do I use it?
3. Does it take up a lot of space I could use otherwise?
II. Be Positive
A. Cut out jealousy
1. Jokes are jokes. Take them as such.
2. Trust freely and take people at their word until given a REAL reason not too.
3. Golden Rule it. Do I do the things that bother me when other people do them? If so, Do I want to stop doing them, or forgive it in other people?
B. Complain less.
1. Write it down. Does it really need discussing or is that enough?
2. Put it in perspective. Is it really such a problem, or are you just grumpy?
3. Make a change. If it really is a problem, do your best to fix it.
C. Find the Silver Lining.
1. It could ALWAYS be worse.
2. What opportunities does this open up?
3. Does it take a stress away? (IE "at least its over" or "him taking over is annoying, but it means I won't be stuck with all of the work this time.)
III. Communicate effectively.
A. Call more.
1. Is it a long story, a full discussion, or you're just both free? Call.
2. Want someone to go somewhere? Call, they don't always here texts.
3. Check on Granny more.
B. State problems.
1. Write it out first.
2. Why is it a problem? Is it really what you think, or something else?
3. If for some reason you can absolutely not call about it, E-mail, so you can edit and be clear and know you're point rather than rambling. No texting about issues.
C. Stop snapping/getting defensive.
1. If it sounds bad, ask for clarification of meaning first.
2. Deep breath before you answer.
3. If necessary, politely excuse yourself to calm down before coming back to calmly discuss it.
D. Be a better listener.
1. Ask questions more, not everyone just talks like you.
2. Avoid distractions.
3. Don't bogart the conversation by telling story after story, one story at a time, then its not your turn anymore.
IV. Save Money
A. Budget in savings.
1. pick an amount, stick to it.
2. Have a reason to save.
3. Except for absolute emergencies DO NOT TOUCH SAVINGS.
B. Cash Jar
1. All change goes in jar
2. At the end of two weeks, all cash goes in the jar.
3. Jar gets full, deposit it into savings.
C. Be careful about Gifts.
1. Only give "no reason" gifts if you have more than 50 dollars free in your budget.
2. Try to limit "no reason" gift giving to one per pay period.
3. Set limits for special occasions, and REMEMBER TO BUDGET FOR THEM.
D. Make smarter purchases.
1. Is it an item you KNOW you have use for?
2. If it's an activity, is it worth the price you pay? (IE, 2 dollars for batting cages, yes; 20 dollars for dinky stuffed toy in arcade, no)
3. Any item, does the price match the value? You are allowed to pay more for higher quality. Cheaper items may wear out quicker and so end up more costly in the long run.
V. Be healthier.
A. Exercies
1. Zumba
2. Play outside with Jackson, he needs it too.
3. Try for at least 20 minutes of activity at least 3 times a week, preferably more.
B. Eat better
1. Add more variety, salads and soups and such instead of always the same few things.
2. More nutrition. Yes, you do want a vegetable, meat and bread is not fine.
3. More full meals, less snacking, try for a regular eating schedule.
C. Sleep better
1. Lights out and comp off at 2 am.
2. NO NAPPING, it throws your schedule off terribly.
3. Once its off, it stays off. You do not need to know what time it is at 3 am. It's time to be asleep.
VI. Be social.
A. Go out.
1. Find places to go you haven't been before
2. Try for a social outing at least once a week, even if its just to someones house.
3. Take yourself places.
B. Meet New People.
1. Join a club or a class.
2. Talk to anyone who seems interesting, stranger or no.
3. Use internet to your advantage to find meet ups.
C. Don't always be attached to something electronic.
1. If you're eating dinner with people or playing a game, the phone can be put away for a while.
2. Before getting on the computer on a weekend, call someone FIRST.
3. AV Chat is not a social life. It is the last resort after going out fails.
D. Be less judgemental/finicky.
1. Like someone until they give you a good reason not too, instead of disliking them right away over something silly.
2. Look for the good in people. (IE "He might not be the best group worker but he's really passionate about art and his photography and I like that.")
3. Avoid nitpicking. If someone is fine in every other way but has one annoying habit, ignore that habit, you can be pretty obnoxious too sometimes.
VII. Getting shit DONE.
A. Do it As Soon As Possible and As Well As Possible.
1. Don't procrastinate. Start plenty in advance.
2. Don't rush through it just to be done with it. Take your time
3. Keep track of deadlines. The "It's not due until, oh shit, tomorrow"s will kill you.
B. Have a Plan.
1. Break it down into sections, what's most important? What do you need to do first?
2. Know the project, and ask for clarification on anything you don't understand.
3. Write the plan down and STICK TO IT.
C. FOCUS.
1. While working, stay out of chat, turn of IMs if need be.
2. Do it where and when interruptions are unlikely.
3. allow for REASONABLE breaks. A half hour to an hour because you've been working a while and your brain is trying to quit is reasonable. Two or more hours because you want to play a game or watch a movie you've seen before is not.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Parts of this are possibly made up. Maybe. I don't remember.
So Monday morning I woke up feeling a little queasy, after having a stomach ache both the night before and the night before that. I felt pretty ok after a bit though so I ate, got dressed, went to work, and everything was dandy. I got pretty tired easier than normal but didn't think much of it. My mom picked me up and we got dinner and had every intention of going to see the new Harry Potter movie, but I felt so tired that I just wanted to go to bed.
I started to get a slight stomach ache as I laid down but took some medicine and dozed off easily enough. Around 11:30 I woke up and got some water and noticed my stomach was worse but I laid back down and managed to doze until around 2, when I woke up again with just terrible stomach pains. I tried going and taking a hot bath which eased it some, but as soon as I lay back down they flared right back, so I went back to the bathroom but before I could run another bath or anything my mom woke up and asked why I was awake. I told her my stomach hurt and walked back down to the kitchen.
At this point the stomach pains were pretty intense, so I sat crouched on the kitchen floor and started crying, which of course alarmed my mother greatly and she told me to lay down for a second, then she pressed one area of my stomach and before she could even ask if it hurt, I slapped her hand away and cried again. She immediately said "That's it. We're going to the hospital."
She ran around getting dressed and her shoes and repeatedly asking me if she needed to call an ambulance. I, being tired and grumpy and in pain, kept snapping "No. I don't need an ambulance." "I can get my own shoes." "I can get in the car myself, stop" I scolded her for speeding and running a red light, managing to get her annoyed at me even as she was panicking about my health.
She dropped me off at the ER doors after I insisted I did not need a wheelchair. I got myself signed in and found two chairs to lay across as we waited for the triage nurse to be available. Finally he came out, and while my mother was rambling about "finally.... waited forever... " after only ten minutes or so, I answered all his questions and had my temperature taken and made a joke about the pain scale. He took me back to a room and I was handed the ever classy gown to put on and had to fight my mother to let me do it myself after he'd left. I made a joke about wishing i'd shaved my legs and got in the bed.
Another nurse came in and I answered all the questions over and went to the bathroom and peed in the cup and out of sleepiness and boredom started singing silly songs to myself which of course made my mother snap anxiously at me to be quiet so she could be angry about them taking a long time some more. A lab tech came to take my blood and apparently decided to play the "lets see how much i can wiggle the needle without breaking it in your arm" game.
Suddenly the Male Nurse from triage comes back into the room holding a shot. "I have a morphine/phenegran mix for you. The Morphine is for pain and the phenegran is in case of nausea." I nod and say I know and wait for what I know is coming. "Unfortunately I have to give it to you in your butt." I sigh and feel my face redden and grit my teeth, "Of course you do." and roll over onto my side and clench my fists. "Phenegran always burns" is my mothers helpful input and I remind her I am very aware and then he counts down from three and the needle goes in. I relax slightly and say that at least that part wasn't so bad and he says "Yeah but here comes the burn, hon." and then the entire right side of my ass is on fire as the phenegran enters my blood stream. I bite the knuckles on my left hand and make an incoherent "I will not cuss in front of my mother" noise and he says "I know, I know, sorry, I know" which was mildly endearing that he felt so bad that it was uncomfortable.
After that's done he puts a band aid over the site and leaves after helping me roll back over and making sure i was all covered with the blankets and such. I mutter about how much I hate those shots and why couldn't a different nurse have given it and after about twenty minutes things start to get really hazy. Everything else happens in sort of dream like moments that I'm only vaguely aware of the order of.
I doze for a bit and a nurse comes to take me to get a CT Scan. It's pretty much a big donut that you go through and a bright light swirls around you so fast it starts to blur. I sleepily giggle that it's like a Stargate and they're sending me somewhere else. A different nurse takes me out and my drugged mind has a brief moment of "OH GOD THEY DID TELEPORT ME" as the nurse tells me they just switched while I was in it because it was 6 am all of a sudden and then I'm taken back to my room where my mom is waiting. At some point someone comes in and talks mostly to my mom about surgery and if we have history of gallbladder problems and says something about my white count being up.
I wake up again (when did i doze off) and tell my mom I need something to be sick in. She steps out to grab a nurse to ask for something and I casually lean over and puke on the floor next to my bed, then call out "TOO LATE. MY BAD." The nurse she grabbed and Male Nurse run in. She hands me a bag to finish puking in and he gets a towel to cover it with as I mumble an apology and then lay back again. They walk out and I mutter something about "he WOULD come in then" and my mom half laughs and I sort of just zone out for a bit until suddenly Male Nurse is back. I ask if i have to get another shot and he tells me no, they're going to set up an IV on me. He attempts it at my wrist and I make terrible faces while refusing to look at the needle. Apparently he missed because he says "Uh-oh" and I demand "What Uh-oh? No uh-oh." My mom says something about no blood, missed vein, he says he has to try again "You've just got these tiny delicate hands" I make a "psh" noise at the delicate part and he seems to get my drift because he says "Well delicate veins" and my mother says something about me having my grandmothers hands.
They finally get the IV hooked up and are giving me fluids and anti-biotics and I zone in and out until they take me up to an actual room and admit me. Suddenly it's apparently around 11 am Tuesday (or so I'm now told) and the surgeon comes in to talk to me. I am alert enough to register that his name is Datta (pronounced Data) and I giggle and squash the urge to ask him where Picard is. He tells me that the walls of my gall bladder are thickened and that I'd probably had gall stones and gall bladder infections before. He explains what causes the infections is a stone stuck in the opening of the gall bladder or in the ducts between them and all your other junk. I could have sworn that's all he said and then left, but my mother tells me that I sort of glazed over and he wisely turned to tell her the rest, that right now I apparently had one so bad that it had torn and bile was just leaking into my body, which is why i had this massive infection. He told her my surgery would be about one. I may or may not have taken phone calls from a few people during this time. I don't think I did, but again, things were most definitely hazy. I vaguely remember meeting the nurse and her being OMG CHEERFUL :D.
They take me down to near the OR and i have the vaguest memory of a nurse talking about how pale I was. My mom says the other nurse told her to be quiet she was going to offend me and the first nurse said "What, she knows she's white, that's no surprise!" but all i remember is hearing something like "...cute little....so pale... dark" but whats really strange, is that I didn't think I slept at all while I was down there. Maybe it actually happened in the room. I'll have to ask my mom.
Anyways, in the OR waiting area a nurse comes out with the Anesthesiology assistant (I spelled that right first try, WHAT) who introduces himself with "Hi, I'm John from Anesthesiology. I'm here to give you drugs. YAY." I laugh and the nurse shows my mother out to the waiting room and John continues "So, I'm going to put this in your iv, and you'll feel a warm fuzzy feeling in your hand, then a warm fuzzy feeling in your head, and it's just going to be a GREAT DAY." I made a mental note to tell my mom that I was pretty sure he was samplin what he was givin out there, and watched him put the drugs in. I noticed a warm sensation in my hand and said "Yeah i see what you mean about the warrr..." and then someone was waking me up saying "Hi there, your surgery is all done!" and I promptly responded with "Really? I don't remember shit!" and grinned happily at her as she cracked up, someone took the little oxygen nose thing off of me. I was being pushed to my room and saw my mom and went "Hey there, Momma!" and then saw her friend Sandra and added "Hi miss Sandra! Monkey!" as she handed me a small sock monkey she'd brought me. (My mom says that I also said I thought she was a dope dream, and when my mom asked if I meant nightmare I very seriously nodded then said "But you had a monkey so it was OOOOKAY!" )
By this time it was around 6:30 in the evening and I think i sort of talked to her while she was there and she left and I dozed for a while then my Dad came and I just went "HI DADDY! Wanna see my stitches?" Because I'd apparently discovered them myself. I don't remember how, but I'd noticed them. He cracked up and I showed him my tummy and then Ryan called. I told him about cursing at the nurse and showing my dad my stitches and told him my dad was laughing at my voice/laugh but i couldn't help it i sounded funny I had just recently had a tube in my throat. Other than when he said "Hi I was looking for Tiffany?" and me responding "It's meeeee" and his "Oh really?" at my dad being there, I honestly don't remember anything he said to me. (sorry hon!) Some more people called and I guess i either talked to them or slept through it and my mom went home to sleep and change.
I woke up around 5 am to a nurse saying she needed to take more blood and i'm pretty sure i "Yeah, whatever" at her and fell back asleep. I woke up for good around 6:30 and read for a good while, then watched cartoons until breakfast. Breakfast was what was supposedly a "broth", hot tea, and jello, and asked for just some tylenol and was told I had to either take morphine or percoset. I took the one percoset and read and watched more cartoons until my mom came and they told me that as soon as I had lunch I could leave, and i devoured that crappy lunch while my little brother visited and brought me flowers and then came home.
So basically my surgery was me being to drugged up to care/notice. So not bad, i guess.
I started to get a slight stomach ache as I laid down but took some medicine and dozed off easily enough. Around 11:30 I woke up and got some water and noticed my stomach was worse but I laid back down and managed to doze until around 2, when I woke up again with just terrible stomach pains. I tried going and taking a hot bath which eased it some, but as soon as I lay back down they flared right back, so I went back to the bathroom but before I could run another bath or anything my mom woke up and asked why I was awake. I told her my stomach hurt and walked back down to the kitchen.
At this point the stomach pains were pretty intense, so I sat crouched on the kitchen floor and started crying, which of course alarmed my mother greatly and she told me to lay down for a second, then she pressed one area of my stomach and before she could even ask if it hurt, I slapped her hand away and cried again. She immediately said "That's it. We're going to the hospital."
She ran around getting dressed and her shoes and repeatedly asking me if she needed to call an ambulance. I, being tired and grumpy and in pain, kept snapping "No. I don't need an ambulance." "I can get my own shoes." "I can get in the car myself, stop" I scolded her for speeding and running a red light, managing to get her annoyed at me even as she was panicking about my health.
She dropped me off at the ER doors after I insisted I did not need a wheelchair. I got myself signed in and found two chairs to lay across as we waited for the triage nurse to be available. Finally he came out, and while my mother was rambling about "finally.... waited forever... " after only ten minutes or so, I answered all his questions and had my temperature taken and made a joke about the pain scale. He took me back to a room and I was handed the ever classy gown to put on and had to fight my mother to let me do it myself after he'd left. I made a joke about wishing i'd shaved my legs and got in the bed.
Another nurse came in and I answered all the questions over and went to the bathroom and peed in the cup and out of sleepiness and boredom started singing silly songs to myself which of course made my mother snap anxiously at me to be quiet so she could be angry about them taking a long time some more. A lab tech came to take my blood and apparently decided to play the "lets see how much i can wiggle the needle without breaking it in your arm" game.
Suddenly the Male Nurse from triage comes back into the room holding a shot. "I have a morphine/phenegran mix for you. The Morphine is for pain and the phenegran is in case of nausea." I nod and say I know and wait for what I know is coming. "Unfortunately I have to give it to you in your butt." I sigh and feel my face redden and grit my teeth, "Of course you do." and roll over onto my side and clench my fists. "Phenegran always burns" is my mothers helpful input and I remind her I am very aware and then he counts down from three and the needle goes in. I relax slightly and say that at least that part wasn't so bad and he says "Yeah but here comes the burn, hon." and then the entire right side of my ass is on fire as the phenegran enters my blood stream. I bite the knuckles on my left hand and make an incoherent "I will not cuss in front of my mother" noise and he says "I know, I know, sorry, I know" which was mildly endearing that he felt so bad that it was uncomfortable.
After that's done he puts a band aid over the site and leaves after helping me roll back over and making sure i was all covered with the blankets and such. I mutter about how much I hate those shots and why couldn't a different nurse have given it and after about twenty minutes things start to get really hazy. Everything else happens in sort of dream like moments that I'm only vaguely aware of the order of.
I doze for a bit and a nurse comes to take me to get a CT Scan. It's pretty much a big donut that you go through and a bright light swirls around you so fast it starts to blur. I sleepily giggle that it's like a Stargate and they're sending me somewhere else. A different nurse takes me out and my drugged mind has a brief moment of "OH GOD THEY DID TELEPORT ME" as the nurse tells me they just switched while I was in it because it was 6 am all of a sudden and then I'm taken back to my room where my mom is waiting. At some point someone comes in and talks mostly to my mom about surgery and if we have history of gallbladder problems and says something about my white count being up.
I wake up again (when did i doze off) and tell my mom I need something to be sick in. She steps out to grab a nurse to ask for something and I casually lean over and puke on the floor next to my bed, then call out "TOO LATE. MY BAD." The nurse she grabbed and Male Nurse run in. She hands me a bag to finish puking in and he gets a towel to cover it with as I mumble an apology and then lay back again. They walk out and I mutter something about "he WOULD come in then" and my mom half laughs and I sort of just zone out for a bit until suddenly Male Nurse is back. I ask if i have to get another shot and he tells me no, they're going to set up an IV on me. He attempts it at my wrist and I make terrible faces while refusing to look at the needle. Apparently he missed because he says "Uh-oh" and I demand "What Uh-oh? No uh-oh." My mom says something about no blood, missed vein, he says he has to try again "You've just got these tiny delicate hands" I make a "psh" noise at the delicate part and he seems to get my drift because he says "Well delicate veins" and my mother says something about me having my grandmothers hands.
They finally get the IV hooked up and are giving me fluids and anti-biotics and I zone in and out until they take me up to an actual room and admit me. Suddenly it's apparently around 11 am Tuesday (or so I'm now told) and the surgeon comes in to talk to me. I am alert enough to register that his name is Datta (pronounced Data) and I giggle and squash the urge to ask him where Picard is. He tells me that the walls of my gall bladder are thickened and that I'd probably had gall stones and gall bladder infections before. He explains what causes the infections is a stone stuck in the opening of the gall bladder or in the ducts between them and all your other junk. I could have sworn that's all he said and then left, but my mother tells me that I sort of glazed over and he wisely turned to tell her the rest, that right now I apparently had one so bad that it had torn and bile was just leaking into my body, which is why i had this massive infection. He told her my surgery would be about one. I may or may not have taken phone calls from a few people during this time. I don't think I did, but again, things were most definitely hazy. I vaguely remember meeting the nurse and her being OMG CHEERFUL :D.
They take me down to near the OR and i have the vaguest memory of a nurse talking about how pale I was. My mom says the other nurse told her to be quiet she was going to offend me and the first nurse said "What, she knows she's white, that's no surprise!" but all i remember is hearing something like "...cute little....so pale... dark" but whats really strange, is that I didn't think I slept at all while I was down there. Maybe it actually happened in the room. I'll have to ask my mom.
Anyways, in the OR waiting area a nurse comes out with the Anesthesiology assistant (I spelled that right first try, WHAT) who introduces himself with "Hi, I'm John from Anesthesiology. I'm here to give you drugs. YAY." I laugh and the nurse shows my mother out to the waiting room and John continues "So, I'm going to put this in your iv, and you'll feel a warm fuzzy feeling in your hand, then a warm fuzzy feeling in your head, and it's just going to be a GREAT DAY." I made a mental note to tell my mom that I was pretty sure he was samplin what he was givin out there, and watched him put the drugs in. I noticed a warm sensation in my hand and said "Yeah i see what you mean about the warrr..." and then someone was waking me up saying "Hi there, your surgery is all done!" and I promptly responded with "Really? I don't remember shit!" and grinned happily at her as she cracked up, someone took the little oxygen nose thing off of me. I was being pushed to my room and saw my mom and went "Hey there, Momma!" and then saw her friend Sandra and added "Hi miss Sandra! Monkey!" as she handed me a small sock monkey she'd brought me. (My mom says that I also said I thought she was a dope dream, and when my mom asked if I meant nightmare I very seriously nodded then said "But you had a monkey so it was OOOOKAY!" )
By this time it was around 6:30 in the evening and I think i sort of talked to her while she was there and she left and I dozed for a while then my Dad came and I just went "HI DADDY! Wanna see my stitches?" Because I'd apparently discovered them myself. I don't remember how, but I'd noticed them. He cracked up and I showed him my tummy and then Ryan called. I told him about cursing at the nurse and showing my dad my stitches and told him my dad was laughing at my voice/laugh but i couldn't help it i sounded funny I had just recently had a tube in my throat. Other than when he said "Hi I was looking for Tiffany?" and me responding "It's meeeee" and his "Oh really?" at my dad being there, I honestly don't remember anything he said to me. (sorry hon!) Some more people called and I guess i either talked to them or slept through it and my mom went home to sleep and change.
I woke up around 5 am to a nurse saying she needed to take more blood and i'm pretty sure i "Yeah, whatever" at her and fell back asleep. I woke up for good around 6:30 and read for a good while, then watched cartoons until breakfast. Breakfast was what was supposedly a "broth", hot tea, and jello, and asked for just some tylenol and was told I had to either take morphine or percoset. I took the one percoset and read and watched more cartoons until my mom came and they told me that as soon as I had lunch I could leave, and i devoured that crappy lunch while my little brother visited and brought me flowers and then came home.
So basically my surgery was me being to drugged up to care/notice. So not bad, i guess.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
This is what you get for being related to me.
This text conversation took place between my older brother and I this morning:
Me: "Hey what was that show with LL Cool J where he was like the maid/nanny?"
Me: "You know, black Charles in Charge?"
Bro: "???"
Me: "It was 'In The House with LL Cool J.' He wasn't a maid/nanny he was a former football player who had to rent part of his house out. My bad."
Bro: "What.. Why..."
Bro: "Only you."
Me: "You should really be used to me by now."
Me: "Hey what was that show with LL Cool J where he was like the maid/nanny?"
Me: "You know, black Charles in Charge?"
Bro: "???"
Me: "It was 'In The House with LL Cool J.' He wasn't a maid/nanny he was a former football player who had to rent part of his house out. My bad."
Bro: "What.. Why..."
Bro: "Only you."
Me: "You should really be used to me by now."
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